The Marriage of Torgo???

by Spleen

This was all such a fast paced whirlwind of confusement for me, but I will try my best to sort things out as I go... How this whole thing originally started was like this: I was in URUTOWN IRC, and some people were making jokes or something. While I couldn't read any of the text, I could tell everyone was laughing, and one guy, Xenon, kept making sad faces. I figured there was some joke at his expense, so I asked them to tell me what was going on. Klonoa explained that Xenon had said he "had impure thoughts about his sister" and that they were all laughing about this. The fact that Xenon was making sad faces kinda creeped me out. These people are always VERY serious, and jokes consist usually of plays on words or something, never odd outright lies like we are used to, like "I JUST HAD SEX WITH A MIDGET!"  Knowing this, and seeing how uncomfortable Xenon was, I said "Xenon, send your sister to America to live with Torgo and your sister problem will be fixed!" Most people laughed at it, as did I. Xenon queries me and says "one second" ... I'm thinking hmmm thats pretty fucked up. He says (in horrible english, but I'm just recalling this out of my memory)   "She was quite angry, I think if I send her to America she will be upset." Apparently he had taken me seriously! I got to thinking, "hey what is the worst that could happen, this guy DOESN'T FedEx me his hot sister??", so I kept playing along. Back in the main channel I said "If Xenon gives me his sister I will give him a Harley Davidson!" (In Japan, Harleys are worth about 4x as much, apparently japs LOVE them and they are super hard to get there) He was very excited about this, and said "I love harly bike!!" hahaha He once again queries me saying "wait" ... like he is actually bringing this up with his sister. He tells me "she is angry about bike trade, but she does want to meet you." WHOA!!! All my dreams are coming true! I had no idea if he meant in real life, in IRC, in UO , or what, but I just said yes. I queried TAKA, who is pretty good at english, and usually gives it to me straight. I asked if he was serious, he said YES, and I asked how old she was, and he said "one year young of Xenon, who is 19." WHOA!!! In IRC everyone was still joking about it, and TAKA made some comment like "Torgo if you are to marry Xenon sister, you need to know her name!" I said that was untrue, that I wouldn't mind learning her name until AFTER the wedding ceremony! They all thought that was hilarious. (It is true!!) Klonoa then made a comment saying "So you no longer love Suzu?" HOLD ON THERE!!! I will let nothing jeapordize my undying love for Suzu, and I said something to the effect of "NoNo, Suzu will always be #1 in my heart!" Most of the girls said "awww" and all of the guys laughed. Things were getting wierder by the second, then TAKA says "Xenon sister Vier will sit down on his IRC OK?" and I just said ok... next thing I know, *** XenonUT is now known as Vier_UO <Vier_UO> Hi Torgo! ^^   W H O A !!! Everyone is giggling, and I keep seeing "vier" and "torgo" in the middle of a bunch of japanese letters. Things were definitely WAY out of hand, and I again turned to TAKA in query, asking him what the FUCK do I do now, and he says "You are to meet her in UO, maybe to be married! She has agreed to see you!" At that point, I fainted from brood ross.

They all tell me to come immediately to uruurutei, the tavern, and meet her. I haul ass over there, having NO idea what to do, not even knowing for sure if this is a joke, of if they are gonna expect me to fly her out here to Texas if she says yes, or what (not that this is a bad idea! I would have done it!) TAKA and Klonoa were NO fucking help in IRC, both just told me to come meet her. I show up and this is the scene. I had tamed a horse at the bank, and named it Vier. When I got there, I gave it to her as a present, but when I got off, everyone saw it was named Vier and laughed, Vier emittied a "w" which I think is a good sign. In black with the cape is TAKA, sitting in the chair on the right with the artist cap looking thing is Calith (extremely hot, me her and Ely go WAY back) (Side Note : Ely and I frequently talk about hotties and hotness in UO, it is ONLY a UO related term, it is regarding only their paperdoll and manners. The girls that get carefully matched pastel outfits and smile all day are HOTTIES, when we call them that it isn't like we mean hotties in real life, even if we do both want to bang them, meaning : we aren't TOTAL losers... I think... ) Standing in front of me in the blue outfit and white shirt, looking uncomfortably hot is BeBe. The jester shirt and white dress (im pretty sure) is Sigma... Sitting on the stool up by the retarded deer statue is my possible wife-to-be, Vier, who is extremely hot with her carefully dyed light pink hair, and simple outfit. When I got here and exchanged greetings, I soon learned that Vier spoke not a single word of english!!! w00d! w00d! She knew some hello's, and said thanks once, but for the most part sat quietly. When she eventually spoke to me it was through one of the translaters.

X

They all start spamming around in japanese, talking about god knows what. I'm just sitting here with blood pounding my temples so hard it sounds like a double bass. BeBe said a bunch of things to me, then TAKA said some things, then Sigma says "taka said BeBe talking" Which means BeBe said something to me in japanese, TAKA said (in japanese) "BeBe is talking", then Sigma repeated that for me in English. THANKS!!! Alot of discussion was going on in IRC at the time. Apparently only those who had some say in the matter were allowed to come to uruurutei and join in this discussion. All of them turned out to have some pivotal role in this process, as I would later find out. Sigma is I think the #2 man in Urutown. He was overseeing the whole thing and translating what he could. TAKA apparently was my attorney, and as far as I could tell BeBe was talking on Viers behalf. It soon became super confusing. 10-15 more people are in IRC begging to know how it is going, getting constant updates from Calith, who I think was the "uruurutei court reporter" or something. She didn't talk much, but repeated tons of shit in IRC... TAKA was trying to explain that BeBe was Xenons lover, which was pretty simple to understand. I didn't grasp the meaning of that until later though. TAKA translates what BeBe was telling me, and it turns out she was asking me "which one of us is more beautiful, me or Vier?" HOLY SHIT!! All eyes are on Torgo, what the fuck do I say to that?

Here is a pic of BeBe, who is, as I stated earlier, uncomfortably hot. She has pastel blue hair, with a blue school girl outfit, with porno leather hidden underneath it. In this respect, she is even hotter than Vier!, but as I figure this is some kind of test, I say "While both are extremely beautiful, Vier has more beauty.", and I politely bow to BeBe. Vier smiles, BeBe smiles, and TAKA queries me saying "Good!", whatever that means.

XX

They all kept asking me these really wierd questions, like "What is BeBe to you?" and I was totally confused. Calith finally steps up and says "please give term for BeBes status" sister in law! They couldn't think of the name for it! When I said that, they all said OH YES!, and I noticed Calith repeated it in IRC, and many people were like "oh yeah.. in law.." That must not be a term they use. BeBe tells me that because she is Xenons lover, if I am to be Viers lover, she will be my sister in law! Fine with me, bring on the fucking rings!!

X

Calith is so fucking cute!!! I asked them to ask Vier for me "Will you be able to keep important secrets?" As it is now, only 2 or 3 know of my real identity, and it has been so long since they have seen Spleen, they probably have forgotten by now. But, if Vier is to marry me and start sharing my houses and shit, It would be REALLY HARD to hide my 6 characters named "Spleen"... They told me that she agreed to keep whatever secrets I may have, she promises with her honor, or something like that. Sounds good to me! Calith asked me why that was important, and I said "Torgo has many secrets!" "haha, detect you!" she says. I WANTED TO PICK CALITH UP AND RUN AWAY WITH HER RIGHT THEN AND THERE!!! She can detect my secrets any day. I couldn't help but wonder if these crazy people have some wierd version of cybersex, and if so, how the fuck would I do that with an interpreter!!! I was definitely willing to try though, because I am a journalist devoted to delivering hard hitting investigative reports.

BeBe was curious as to what my secrets were, and I told her "if I told you, they would not be secrets!" ... "hou wonder" ... Everyone laughed, and in IRC I saw my name in some line of Caliths, and then people were saying the word 'secret' every now and then, like "I WONDER WHAT SECRETS HE HAS?" Klonoa smiled at me, she knows who I am. It is incredible the kind of trust these people have. She knew I was a murderous powergaming american FPK, and yet didn't tell a SOUL about me once I got her word on it. Amazing if you think about it.

The discussion had moved to IRC for some reason, so I started doing what always gets a GIANT laugh out of everyone, and that is THE TAMING OF TAKA!. It really is pretty funny. I chase him around doing the perfect taming messages like "I wont hurt you." and he runs around saying "Nooo-".. Guess you have to be there.. Calith asks me about Suzu (THANKS, right in front of my possible wife!)

X

I tell her the truth, that I met Suzu first out of all the URUTOWN people, and that I have always cared for her, but that she would never marry me because she requires a placed castle as an engagement present. (This is true) Everyone laughed, and Vier did too, she said that was ok...

Then Sigma, presiding over this crazy thing, asks me "If Vier is to be your wife, what will you give her?" I didn't really know if he meant like, RELATIONSHIP WISE, or as a wedding gift, or what... So I said she could have anything. Most uruurutown people know that Torgo has some tricks up his sleeve, because he freely gives away weapons worth a mint, is rich beyond belief, gains skills impossibly fast, and has many houses, so everyone there really knew that if I was to give her anything she wanted, she could suddenly become a very wealthy person! But that is fine with me..

X

Right after I said that, BeBe calls me a fool, and Sigma starts laughing!! TAKA is like "Anything? you stupid bastard!" I hadn't given it much thought, but since I barely played UO anyway, sure I would give her pretty much anything she wanted. TAKA asks, "What if she asks for all you own?" and like a p1mp, I said "Then I will give it to her, so long as she still loves me." Calith says "awwww" and Vier and BeBe started talking, probably about how much I was worth... BeBe says something like "the wedding is OK" which I took to mean : IT IS ON!! I kinda got the feeling from BeBes tests and questioning, that it was up to HER to decide the fate of Vier... I said "brb! must get wedding present!" and ran off. I knew she was an archer, because when I first got there, orcs were attacking the bar, and she was fighting them off with her bow. I quickly grabbed a few things. In about 30 seconds I got a cashiers check for 100,000 gold, a +20 silver bow of vanquishing, and a "10 diamond weddingband".

As far as the weddingband goes, I think it might be a rare item now. For a long time, tinkers could make jewelry out of gemstones, and if you made a ring from a diamond it said "diamond weddingband". There was some tinkering patch about 6-7 months ago, and one time I made a ring from a STACK of gems, and it said "a 3 sapphire ring". Since I had never seen or heard about this, I quickly rounded up a bunch of diamonds. I made some 5 diamond rings, and one 10 diamond ring, just in case I ever DID get married. A few days later when I had collected some more diamonds, it wouldn't work anymore. I don't know if it is possible now, but if that was a one time bug thing, I bet NOONE noticed it, and I got a REALLY kickass unique ring...

So I rush back to uruurutei, and I lay the three gifts out on the ground in front of Vier, and bow. Everyone freaks out! They LOVE silver weapons, a silver vanq weapon is the equivalent of handing them keys to a new ferarri. 100,000 bucks and a giant diamond ring don't hurt either! Sigma made "crazy eyes" or "suprise eyes" which is @_@, and BeBe starts spamming away to Vier in japanese, "MARRY THIS FUCKER", probably, and Calith remained quiet, I think telling everyone in IRC what a fucking stud I am.

Next thing I know, Vier is making T.T eyes, and turns around and can't face me. BeBe starts making T.T eyes, and tells me she is sorry. I'm about to start making some damn T.T eyes myself, when Calith tells me what the deal is. She says something to the effect of "Vier once had a lover, who is gone now." I said that didn't matter, I wasn't exactly a UO virgin myself, if there IS such a thing, (I didn't say THAT though). Calith continues... "she couldnt forget him, vier cant love anyone now, sorry...good bye". Next thing I know people start logging out!!!   TAKA stays around and translates from Vier "Torgo I love you much, but you will always be #2 in my heart, for that reason I cannot allow myself to be yours, I am sorry." What the fuck!! She says "forgive me (tt" and logs out. F A C K ! TAKA queries me in IRC saying he was sorry it didn't work out, they did not know about this, and everyone expected it to go smoothly. Next thing I know all these people are querying me saying how deeply sorry they are that they did not know of her past love, and how it is all their fault, and please don't be angry, and blah blah blah. I told them all I was sad, not mad, and that they should not be upset on my account. Luckily, Suzu wasn't there for this! I hope she never got wind of this whole thing, but I doubt that is possible. It was such a crazy thing, I had no idea what the fuck they meant most of the time while it was going on, and I was just making shit up as I went, flying by the seat of my pants. All I know is, it would be kickass to have some UO wife that speaks NO english. I'm gonna be asking TAKA and Sigma to set my ass up first chance they get now ^-^

MAYBE I'LL EVEN GET LAID!!!