DoA stakes a claim to Newbie Isle!

by Spleen

Disclaimer : the first 5 or so of these pics took place at night, which gets darker and darker as they patch. I now have to do contrast changes just to get the damn players to show up, so if some of the pics look crazy, that is why. I SWEAR it isn't me forging these from scratch to tarnish DoAs impeccable reputation.

This took place during the "Jerky Days" where Wheez was making a sorta comeback, playing on a friend of ours's account. His char sucked bad, he was on the island training his skills up and I think at one point he ran around with a weapon on making fake attacks, but even those DoA puds could have gotten him with that dude, so he stayed out of it for the most part. He was out on the island and I was in my house when we spotted DoA members on Bastard Island!!! Holy balls, not only are visitors not permitted, DoA visitors sure as FUCK aren't permitted. I switched chars, got grey, and headed right into the thick of their little treasure hunting adventure.

"hjeklp!"

As you can see in the next pic, there was four of them. Grey WOlf (yes, his name has a typo), Hajime Saitoh, Trevor (I had recently stolen his boat, he was talking shit and desperate for revenge) and the oh-so-famous GREEN KNIGHT, YES ANDY T HIMSELF!!! Trevor attacked me right off the bat, and I started nailing him with spells as he ran around getting heals. The top pic is right as Hajime attacked me , thinking his katana is gonna stop the ownage that is about to occur.

X

I break my mad spells out on Trevor, since he was my prime target (Andy T hadn't attacked yet) and he hits the mat hard. Grey WOlf up there was the only one who wasn't completely retarded, because right in this pic he is going through his newbie bag of meat, empty bottles, fishsteak and multi-colored bandages looking for his one recall rune. Andy T did attack me, but it was right after I had dropped Trevor, and I didn't have enough mana to instantly kill him. I threw on my deadly TorgoHally and whacked him twice, and in the middle of my spells exploding on his retarded no-health-having ass, he safely makes a recall, landing in minoc with probably 3 HPs and an explode on his head. It was such a close call he might have actually died on recall, I had too much going on to notice. After Andy T escaped my clutches, I ran down a screen to where Hajime Saitoh was preparing to recall, and when I first saw him, he was already saying "Kal Ort Por". There was no hope of getting him. The funny thing was though, "I cannot recall from that object." He was so scared shitless after the carnage he just watched that he blew his recall! He tries to do it again with violently shaking hands, but all his future attempts were interrupted, and he hits the beautiful warm dirt of Bastard Island. He had a boat key, and what do you know, It unlocked the boat right there on the screen where he died. Great place to die, Hajime!

XX

Wheez had been talking to the first guy I killed, and had looted all his shit. I emptied Hajimes corpse, and we met up with them right outside my house. They were saying a bunch of pussy shit to me like "good fight" and "hehehe". I played right along, threw them some "hehe"s of my own, and offered them a ride to town. "ya", "yes", they both say at the same time.

Welcome, motherfuckers, to Newbie Isle! Trevor plants the DoA flag there, where it blows proudly in the wind.

Being a gracious host, I greet my guests.

I went and made a quick search for some stools, but I couldn't find any. I am always sticking people on this island, and never once have I had the foresight to aquire stools for them. I think that would be fucking hilarious sticking them on an island with no items whatsoever, and giving them stools to sit on. They can throw them around or whatever, but they have nothing to cut them up with. I did once give a guy a rune out, 1 root, and one pearl. He sat there for awhile trying to recall, like if he tried enough times he wouldn't need that bloodmoss. Hajime up there is running around, saying it is fun, like I'm gonna go "hey wheez, they are having a good time here! lets gate them outta here on the double!" Stupid fucks. NO psychology would work on us, much less retarded reverse psychology performed by two cackling baboons.

Anyway, Trevor got smart and logged eventually. He wouldn't say much more than "you guys are lame" anyway. We hear that shit all the time, we want good stuff.   Hajime kept running around showing us how much FUN he was having. "watch out spleen these guys are CRAFTY" You bet, we were like putty in their superintelligent hands.

Hajime makes the mistake of bragging that some guild member is coming to rescue them via boat. Like "what are you gonna do about THAT, huh?"   Like I say, these guys are geniuses and play their cards very carefully. They already know I've stolen like 40 boats from their guild, I took Hajimes earlier that day, and Trevors not 2 or 3 days ago. Yet he announces the fact that they will be rescued via boat. THANKS!  I had wheez sit there and keep them busy, while I craftily switched chars. This was quite difficult to do. I said my goodbyes and recalled. I had to have Wheez get the guy to the bottom of the island, because my recall rune was way at the top. He couldn't see my thief char recall in or we were hosed. I knew whoever was on their rescue boat would never land the boat and unlock it if he knew Spleen was waiting there.

X

"Captain ReTaRdEd of the Rescue Vessel DoA reporting in, hehehehehhehe"

It works like a charm, I forget how, but Wheez gets him to the bottom of the island, gives me the signal, and I recall in and hide. I stealth way off to the side where someone won't hit me, and I wait for help to arrive. You can kinda see the corner of Minoc bank on the radar, we are not at ALL far from town here. You can see 4 or 5 buildings on your radar, including the Minoc Mines area, the healers, the provis, the armorers, and the tanners. It isn't like we are on a WELL HIDDEN island. I chose this place purposely so that they could see their beloved town, and be so close, yet so far away. I will sum it up : it is a five second trip from the bank, yet it took an hour and a half for the stupid fucker to find us. Wheez would recall in every now and then and say something like "oh you are still here?" and he would brag about how his help will be here any minute... FINALLY the stupid fucker arrives, and you can see Hajime is eager to hop on board... Well, so is an invisible spleen...

"i ban the"
"i ban thee"

God this rules. I jump on board, steal the guys key, and was prepared to recall. The way I steal boats with my thief when there are tuffguys, I track them, steal the key, recall (to the same server), and then follow my tracking until I see them land. As soon as they land they go to get their master key or bank it or whatever, that is when I hop on board and sail their shit away. I cannot count how many times I have done this. My thief char had only recalls regs and one rune, not to mention 0 in all combat skills. Had this guy actually attacked me I would have had to recall/track, and there is a chance he could have saved his boat. As soon as he realized he couldn't ban me from his stupid boat, he took his weapons off, like he was ready to recall. Well shit, so was I! I made a fake attack and he recalls instantly. Leaving me with the boat, the master key, and the prisoner he was supposed to rescue!!! I had Wheez recall to Newbie Isle and hop on board, I was gonna take Hajime for a little sail!

He kept jumping onto the plank and making desperate leaps for shore when I was picking up Wheezl, so I got the impression this guy really wanted off the boat.I slowly sailed down the river coast, down towards vesper, right by the coast, yet facing the wrong way! He was only inches from land and escape, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get there since the plank wasnt pointed towards land! For extra spice, when he was out on the plank, I would stand behind him and block him on, then park right next to the ground, but since you have to actually step on the plank to get teleported off, he couldn't get to the ground! As soon as he would push through me, he would have to wait awhile to push back through me, and I would have the boat turned by then, it was nonstop comedy. He was constantly trying to get off the boat, yet telling us the entire time how this is fun and he likes to sail with us. Hmmmmm

X

I sailed him down and did the same act only inches from vesper bank, which REALLY got him riled up, he was sitting on that boat plank spinning like a top. You could see people actually banking on the bottom of the screen, it was a riot. I finally took him out here (you can still see the bank, though) and just parked for awhile. Wheez started singing the gilligans island theme song, and we sat and made fun of him for awhile.

It eventually got old (we did let him sit out there for about two hours though, I stood on the boat hidden and macroing) We finally let him off for one reason or another, and went back to the bank with him, to greet his buddies. In the purple kilt is Trevor, VaNdAl is up there with the heater I think, the guy with the green shield was some unnamed DoA guy who was giving us some LoveSpam, and you can see Hajime up there with his witty bank macro, "WTF just open the bank or vendor buy guards". Real cute. Trevor said "hehe spleen i took my small boat instead of my large cuz i knew youd be there."   - Planning for Failure! You gotta love that. One guy said "so what, all we lost was a boat, we have tons of those." I like how I summed up their little outing with a quote.

Lets go to the flowcharts...

I post this picture again for a reason. Guess who that guy is in the bottom right, with the tough armor and green accessories? You guessed it, none other than Lazerus Van Dirtnap, the Dirt Warlock himself, guarding Vesper bank as only he can do.