The Final Tuffguys

by Spleen

Here they are, in all their idiotic glory. These were the last two players I ever killed in UO. 

If there IS a God, and there really IS a heaven. I hope we get to ask at least one question. Just think of all the stupid questions he must get. For some reason, I always pictured God as looking like Rip Torn (the actor, who nearly WAS god in 'Defending Your Life', great movie).

<God> You may ask Me one question.   (yes, he speaks in bold)
<DeadDude> Ummm, I was going to ask if you existed, hmmm. Can I think abou-- OOOoooo...."

<God> You may ask Me one question.
<SmartDude> Alright, how old is the universe? is time travel possible?
<God> Old.
<SmartDude> Aaaaaahhhh!!!

Then they fly off to hell, all for being an idiot only seconds after death. I wouldn't go out like that. I don't give a shit about time and space, or the universe. All I could ever ask God is how many kills I had in UO, if I had the most, or maybe "Did anyone ever commit suicide because I harassed them in game and stole their house?". Here is how I think it would go...

<God> You may ask Me one question.
<Spleen> How many times did I kill another player in the game Ultima Online?
<God> Oh, a good one. One second. <hits his intercom button> Uhh Bonnie, can you ring Hell and get GM Ironfist on the phone, yeah, greeeeat.
<God> <talking into the phone> uh huh.. yes, I see. Thanks.
<God> 94,131. Anything else?
<Spleen> Nope, I am eternally happy now.
<God> That is all well and good, but you do know you are going to hell, right?
<Spleen> Why else would I wear a 'JESUS SUCKS' shirt and cut my own throat in a Sanrio mall outlet?
<God> Real funny, fucker, down you go.

And so it goes...

The story of my last kills is just perfect. It is exactly how I would have wanted it, if I had known I was retiring that day. I soon left town for something, and got back just after all fucking 6 of my houses decayed. I can't recover from that. Well, to be precise, I don't want to recover from that. Every single one of my houses was in a spot that couldn't be placed in anymore. Fucking bummer. It was nice going a month or two not doing shit, then logging in and whacking some miners. Farewell, UO

The world had long since been split into the two mirrored lands. The situation was : I couldn't fuck with anyone in the new lands, so that is where everyone mined. I went and looked at it one day. It was disgusting. Flowers and shit were everywhere, and people were all running around happily mining their ore. Gone were the days of stopping ingot production in the town of Minoc. Since everyone was mining ore like it was going out of style in Newbie Land, that meant it was packed with idiots 24/7 and the ore was often gone, especially from the choice spots.

X

That leaves the non newbie half of the shard to the tuffguys! Check these two jokers out. They are armed to the teeth and deadlier than death. Mismatched armor, some shovels, and a packhorse is all that these guys require. They figured if they were going to be mining in the "evil" lands, you better get equipped for combat! If anyone attacks their packhorse, they will have to both attack the aggressor and scare him away from the packhorse. They were real fucking wrong.

I lace into their packhorse with my sword. One guy tries to heal it for awhile, while the other makes his attack on me. I sat perfectly skill and chopped away at that horse until it dropped, then moved my attention over to the two combatants. They were tough, they were ready for battle.

Oh, my mistake. They were ready to drop like flies and scream for guards.

X

Sorry sirs, you are NOT getting out of this cave alive. I wonder what number bum was ...