Natural Born Morons 1 - A Lost Hope

by Spleen

I had already left Catskills when this happened, but I still worked on my characters there when I was bored, just to keep at least one of them in fighting shape through all the changes. It really worked out well because Mammy still played cats, and he was always getting into situations he would appreciate some assistance. He rolled some clown and got a house key/rune combo. The guild? NaTural Born KiLLaZ. (why is the T capitalized?) This place is packed, the boys are probably on their way on foot right now. What does he do?

X

He calls up The Wolf. I show up directly, investigate the situation, and take control. There is a shitload of loot here, and it needs to be moved fast. I instruct the Nun to keep piling it all up into backpacks, 200 stones each. I start popping gates and moving this loot to the Cannibus Palace. I'm just here to help the Nun, my payment is in comedy, I let him get all the loot.

Look at all that loot!

As veteran bastards, we know there is a very real possibility that one of the shitheads shows up to help his friend, with his OWN housekey on him. A good ninja knows to always keep his house as clean as possible so you can stack up that loot with no worries. So we dump the last of it at The Palace, and I head back to look for clowns and clear out anything else I possibly can. Nun stays back to clear out whatever room he can, in case we need to bring more.

NOTE : Hobbit is the name of the guy in the middle with the heater.

My, my, my, did someone order pussies? The owner (fag in black plate who will show up later) wasn't back with the key yet, but his three ENFORCER GUILDMATES were there. He probably told them to hurry up and get to the guildhouse because someone got a key and might loot it and take all of their hard earned shit! They show up and it is still locked, they probably think they are there in time. FUCK No, Mammy and I had that bitch cleaned out within 3 or 4 minutes of getting the key. They were quite upset when I ran up and stood there at the door making fun of them. They were all in combat mode like "I dare you to move, punk". I did, I walked two quick steps north and slammed the door on those morons. That let me get out the absolute LAST of their shit. It was mostly crap from their orc hunting adventures, but I threw it into a wooden box. Right about then the owner shows up spamming his "I ban thee" macro, so I held the box on my mouse and ran outside.

The three of them hadn't yet attacked me, so the Nun was still at his house (not like I needed the backup, I just know he would be hurt if he missed out). When the fourth guy, the tuff guy guildmaster shows up, I figured for sure the fight was on. 4 heavily armored badass NaTural Born KiLLaZ vs 1 Spleen? They all scurry inside the door and slam it shut, while the owner keeps his "I ban thee" macro up.

I call in the nun (who was just in the other room)  because they were arguing with eachother. The way the landscape worked, if you stood on higher ground than the house was placed on, you could hear everything said inside the house (and vice versa). It was funny as hell.

HOBBIT thought it would be a great idea for him to just run out onto the porch and attack me, and assume his guild buddies were going to help. I kept closing the door with ALT-M so he couldn't get back in, while I swung my katana at him. It was about the slowest way to kill him I had come up with. He was saying "GUYS!!" but they didn't even want to come near the door to heal him. He eventually makes a break for it, running south, and I got him on the edge of my screen with a Corp Por, dropping him. Mammy's recall rune here was to the south, and since I had just told him to show up, the second he recalls in, he sees The Hobbit come flying at him and die at his feet. He was laughing his cock off, and said something like "been busy?".

No, I wasn't. The guy ran to a nearby healer and his friends let him in. He bitched and bitched and bitched. We started saying things to each other with the specific purpose of pissing them off. It was 3 on 1 at first, now 4 on 2, they still wouldn't fight.

X

I don't think those guys could tell Mammy was even here, they had only seen me and were bitching about how I got in. Just to fuel the fire I said I had broken in with an oiled banana. A NEW HOUSE BREAK-IN BUG. That idiot agrees. Apparently the house owner never coughed up that Mammy Nun had actually rolled his ass and taken the key/rune. Since he hadn't seen Mammy here yet , he was staying silent and going with the flow.

X

The guy here with the green text is The Hobbit, the fool I had just rolled.

They were trying various tricks to try and get one of us on the steps to ban us, but it wasn't going to fly. I am not sure at this point if they knew we could hear them, I sincerely don't think they knew that. But they could hear what we were saying , and it was pissing them off!

So, it is time for them to stand up and take us down. These were vesper bank camping morons that talked shit all day anyway, the time has come to prove it.

Or not. But Hobbit is still preachin'! One of the other guys is like "im not taking counts", like that is his major concern. Like killing us is the easy part, having to get rid of those two 8 hour counts (when you know he had 0) was the tough one.

Mammy is adding his own quotes. "HELP ME KILL THEM", nah, man ... thanks anyway, there's only 4 of us"  Hah, they were not happy with that. They were getting bitchier and bitchier.

Who wouldn't?

CHA-CHING!! The hippie love fest comes to an end, Hobbit has had enough of this bullshit. They are in there whining to each other like pussies, while Mammy and I just stand outside and make fun of them.

X

After some more all caps crying, Hobbit just LEAVES. He is better than them anyway. He is strong and independent. He has 78 tactics and can take care of his fucking self, thank you very much.

The TOUGH GUILDMASTER decides to disband the guild, and asks the other guys to leave. "but ... they'll kill ... me"

Two of them eventually recall out. I think with scrolls.

He comes outside, never going more than one square from the safety of his empty home. He and Mammy exchange some shit talk, then he runs back inside and logs out, leaving Hobbit by his lonesome.

Suddenly Hobbit is our BIG BUDDY and starts singing like a canary. Since I had whacked him when he was blue, I wanted to know if he had reported me for murder. Report to who? These guys were too fucking stupid to know how to report a bounty! I sure wish I had known that at the beginning! Mammy and I recall out and leave The Hobbit there with his ass flapping in the wind.

Now I know what you are thinking, you are sad this is the last you will ever see of The Hobbit. Think again, there is a sequel to this story. Natural Born Morons 2 - The Hobbit Strikes Back!