Frank,
the tamer who loved his Goats too much
by Spleen
After waking up, snacking on
Delucia japs like salted peanuts, and rolling some miners, I
decided its time to head to Minoc Respawn. an Chiken Load is
dying to come out and play, but there's just no hunters today.
But there is one man, one brave man, one man not afraid to
proclaim his absolute love for furry woodland creatures, that man
is Frank. Brother of Chanty? You Decide...
I come up on Frank, who has
an estimated 23409872342 tamed creatures stashed near guards. He
keeps going out, and coming back with 2 or 3 more each time, and
I suppose he was planning on selling them, or maybe taking them
home and loving them. He had cows, wolves, goats, pigs, birds,
deer, rabbits, rats, bears, panthers, chickens, and even an
eagle. I was thinking about turning into an Chiken Load, just to
see if he would tame me. I was gonna say 'nice Frank' and such,
maybe freaking him out and thinking the chicken was taming him.
But then just killing him sounded much better. I turn into an
orc, and return, but theres no fight. He musta seen me run by a
few times, and recognized the name. So I wait. He runs off to
tame more animals, and I start slaughtering the herd of assorted
beasts he leaves behind. When he returns, he sees me naked (but
with my gookhat and sandals of course, modesty is the 9th UO
virtue), most of his animals dead, and me whacking on his last
goat with a wand. Frank can only take so much. I imagine hes
thinking "Sure this guy can polymorph, and slaughter my herd
of animals during the 15 seconds im offscreen, but I have 34.1
Swordsmanship to complement my 63.4 taming, I shall kill him with
my skills!". He attacks, and the fight is on. But Frank
doesnt fight like most people, oh no! His tactics are UNHEARD
OF, and for a good reason. Lets compare battle plans.
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Franks
Battle Plan
Step 1 : get off my
horse, and let Spleen wack it.
Step 2 : suck two
bolts from Spleens Heavy Xbow, taking me to 4 hp.
Step 3 : surround
myself with a defensive barrier of animals.
Step 4 : GOTO Step
3!!
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Spleens
Battle Plan
Step 1 : put on War
Hammer of P1mping, and, oh wait! that dumbfucks off his
horse! kill horse.
Step 2 : nail Frank
with two bolts, taking him to 4hp.
Step 3 : realize
Franks Step 3, and laugh alot, telling Mammy to come
check this out.
Step 4 : Por Ort
Grav!!
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I'm afraid. Very afraid. While Frank uses
unorthodox tactics, he has an advantage. My side is killing me.
Lets see how things work out...
Here our battle tactics clash, and we see
the result. My Por Ort Grav, coming from above, penetrates his
thick shell of furry animals, and scores a direct hit. He goes in
to NEWBIE TAMER OVERDRIVE and busts out his EMERGENCY
ATTACK PLAN, which is : to spam a bunch of D's! He's
thinking "Maybe, if the D's are made of copper, it will draw
the lightning off of my enlarged head, and onto the D's!" or
something like that...
It doesn't work. He died as he lived,
spamming a shitload of D's...
Looking back, if Frank had told his
animals to follow me instead of him, he probably coulda trapped
me for a bit and made a break for it.