Newbie 2 : The Adventure of Tink

by Spleen

I play a game. This game is called "Newbie Race The Clock". Here's how it's played. Poison a newbie, preferably with deadly poison, but the spell poison works in extreme newbie cases. The newbie runs around, sometimes aimlessly, sometimes straight to the bank. Follow the newbie with a para up, and if they get too close to the bank, or start getting healed, whack them. Otherwise, just follow em around and watch them die. Sometimes offer them cures in exchange for items they could easily get, but don't have. I was in the cave on my thief char, and some newbie attacked me. My magery is low enough to fail  Corp Pors 9 out of 10 tries, and I didn't have the regs anyway. He has no combat ability whatsoever. His highest combat related skill is his 13 wrestle. Theres some gay newbie in the cave mining while holding a fucking lantern. If thats not the gayest thing since Liberache I don't know what is. I stole his 8 ingots and 31 gold, and he attacks me with his lantern. Since I really can't do jack shit, I put on a spellbook so I don't gain, and wail away on him with my 13 wrestle. I actually get him to about 3/4 after awhile, but it's not looking promising. I poison him with the 3rd circle spell. It's working pretty good, hes about about 1/3 health when he decided to bolt. I follow him just to see what happens.

Newbie Race The Clock! Too bad it's not deadly poison. Then the game is REALLY fun.

He gets to the bank, and of COURSE everyone there starts healing and curing him. I continue to whack at him with my spellbook as everyone asks "HOW DID U ATTACK HIM BLUE IN TOWN????" I keep saying "IS SPAR, IS SPAR" thinking that might slow some of the healing down, but it doesn't work. Thats our GOOD FRIEND new.kye down there on the horse in the blue cape. He is spamming us with stupid shit the entire time, and healing Tink.

Two very big suprises there! Wow! I tell him "If I had any more combat skills than you did, you'd be dead right now." I don't think he grasps the truth of that, but he's in no danger from my spellbook, and everyone keeps curing him, so the poison is a no go. It's then that I realize I could be summoning animals, and have THEM kill him. If I got a bear or god forbid a giant serpent, he's history! I run out of town and start summoning shit. A slime, no, a chicken, funny.. but no, an eagle, no, a scorpion, YES. That will do just fine. I start heading to the bank with my scorpion 'an scorpion' when Wheez tells me Tink has made a run for it, and he's headed north. I take off north, and in a little bit wheez tells me the newbie ran inside the barnacle tavern. He plans on logging out! He runs inside the barnacle and hides...

Not if I can help it! With my 50 tracking, I find out where he is, and since he's a genius, he didn't cancel combat. He comes unhidden and me and my scorpion start wacking the shit out of him. He also logged out, proving his mensa membership.

The scorpion is just plain owning him with claws and poison. Tink comes back after about 20 seconds to see if anyone noticed where he was hidden and HOLY SHIT THAT THING IS KILLING ME!!! He makes a break for the door...

...where my man Wheez is running Packer D, blocking him so me and my scorpion can whack him. Tink goes down. With nothing but ore on his corpse, it is still a giant victory for team j00.

I thought the first time I saw them that scorpions were the coolest looking creatures in the game. I still think so. If you ask me, a man sized scorpion should be able to own ANY warrior or animal, with some kinda EVIL poison. Either way, this scorpion has served me very well. I tell him I love him, and send him back to the nether realms.

It's off to the bank, to fuck with new.kye!

We're dicking around with morons at the bank when Prophet shows up. He is UNBELIEVABLY TUFF with mismatched plate and brown dyed clothes. He goes into combat next to me and tells me this. HE MEANS BUSINESS!!!!!! I switch onto The Wolf.

I didn't get a roll shot, but it wasn't at all difficult. The funny thing was, he attacked both me and wheez, so after we obliterated him, he probably   thought to himself how he could take us 1:1. He says that much, and we both offer to go fight him alone, but he declines because we are cheaters. Then at the bank, he wont stand next to us while we make fun of him, so I energy field him in while we harass him. I gave wheez his outfit, because by then I was wearing some other dumbasses outfit. Wheez is telling him how tuff we are now that we have his clothes. Then he starts this act. "HE Y AT LEAST I WILL FIGHT YOU WEATHER I WIN OR LOSE AT" and he never said anything else because we were laughing at him. We did thank him for the gay armor, which I said I would sell back to the NPC blacksmith it came from, and he goes "I got plenty more where that came from!!" He probably does, since I don't think the blacksmiths sell out of mismatched newbie plate. And I imagine he is eager to give me ALL of his plate if he ever sees me alone.

ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER!