j00 vs. Guardians of Vesper

by Spleen

It's late, we're both starving. We were gonna go hit Outback Steakhouse to stare at gorgeous women and eat badass steaks. My stomach is growling, I log off UO, and tell Wheez it's go time. "ok, but man check these pussies out, they want to take me out of town and kill a wheez". That happens 10 times a day. "fuck that, lets roll"... "ok im loggin"

I go in there, and on his screen I see the lamest pack of half-starved ragtag newbies I have ever seen in my life. It's also important to note at this point that not a single one of them is japanese. Led by brave Mark The Spicy [Warrior of Justice, UoJ], who is backed up by Breth, the badass archer, lecutus (not shown) the badass mage, the metalhead twins, Bunyon and Darius, who were dressed identical, and with Woody the... the... well, I'm not sure what Woody was, but he was bringing up the rear, thats for sure. Great shoes, too. Wheezls screen reads like a DragonLance novel on shrooms. You have a tough, know-no-fear  leader, the mysterious magician, the ever-present-in-bad-role-playing-fiction warrior twins, the nimble archer, even the complete fuckup. These motherfuckers know no fear, because they are a tight-knit group of finely tuned mayhem!

Here is our real life conversation, presented in friendly IRC format.

<Spleen> These fuckers will attack you if you leave town?
<Wheezl> yeah, I guess so
<Spleen> I think a Spleen needs to show up.
<Wheezl> I fucking think so too!

I see those newbs on the screen saying shit like "that pussy won't leave town he knows we will kill him". It's BALLS TO THE WALL TIME, NEWBIES!

<Spleen> We gonna do this?
<Wheezl> Oh yeah, we're doing it.

Wheezl starts talking shit, and I walk into the other room and log on "The Wolf".

Notice here, the guy in the green cape who you don't see in the first pic, his name is lecutus, the badass mage. I show up and recon, taking the very first pic like a U2 spyplane on my first pass. They can't know we are in kahootz just yet, if we're gonna get a good gangbang going. I come back for a second pass and see a grey wheez. Of course, they are complete pussies and don't do a DAMN thing about it. I go into combat mode and attack him. "HE IS GREY... IS HE PK??"   They see me swinging at wheez, and he backs up a bit, looking kinda hurt. They mighta been begging for broken bone armor at the bank only minutes before, but when these guys smell blood, they are cold-blooded professional killers!   I know what is going through their muddled and confused heads. "IT'S GANGBANG TIME, BABY!!!"

Here they are in all their glory. I'm still "trying" to kill Wheez at this point, and the whole mob is following us. We are keeping count of how many have attacked him, when that number gets to three, he's gonna start dropping them. Personally, 3 isn't good enough for me. I want 6. Three of my very own. I'm not greedy.

After healing wheez once or twice, going grey, and making a few fake attacks, I think the Newbie Council of Elders decides that I'm a hostile. A red dot on the radar. In the words of the immortal Conway, "smoke this wackass bitch", says Darius (I think... mighta been his gay twin brother). Wheez has his hands full... of tasty newbie delight! You can sorta see him squaring off with Mark the Spicey under the tree, with lecutus DEVASTATING him with upwards of 3 fireballs, and deadeye Breth firing bolts at him. The homo twins don't seem to want to do anything, or don't think their specialties are needed at this point in the battle, and Woody, I don't know what the fuck he was thinking or smoking, but he ran around wildly in combat mode the entire time doing his part!

You can see how its shaping up at this point, One of the homo twins is swinging at me, while Wheez keeps fighting his 3, taking repeated 2 point fireballs from lecutus. Woody looks like he wants to attack me, and since the other one   down on the road still hasn't either, I just run around and act hurt. I'm swingin for the fences, I want them all dead. The one still undecided down there, Darius (I think.. ) gets a good grip on his heater shield, and braces for combat. He wants a piece of the action. He wants a piece of Spleen.

Woody gets off his ass and joins the fight, and you can see the last homo twin walking towards me menacingly thinking "It's 3 on Spleen, baby".   In the other battle, the devastating fireballs have apparently stopped, as Wheezl rocks Mark the Spicey with a punch, and takes a crossbow bolt in the side from deadeye dickweed.

3 on Wheezl. Mark the Spicy, lecutus, and Breth. 3 on Spleen. Darius, Bunyon, and <uuuuunnnngggg> Woody. Woody is a bomb waiting to explode. A bomb of blood. Once I have all three attacking me, I slice Woody with my katana ONCE, doing about 1/3 of his health. Corp Por. It's all over for Woody... no wonder he was so reluctant to fight. Back to the shroom fields for you, Woodman. Wheezl prepares to put an explode down on "The Vas Flam Avenger" as I get ready to face the Homo Twins from Hell.

K-O BABY!!! Check me out, putting Bunyon on the mat with a punch. It was actually a Corp Por. This was a really wierd fight, because they were identical, with the same weapon, standing on the same square! Their timing was perfect, hitting in perfect tandem, it was like Sinbad (no, not that fat black guy, the turban guy.. no, not chanty either. Fuck You) fighting that many-armed cunt Kali. But actually it was a dexfag from hell with 4 arms and 2 katanas!! I get up both health bars (thank god you can target those things, now) and start swinging at the shapless mass of arms and storebought plate with my halberd. Connect... oof, another. Corp Por. Big Man Bunyon goes down only inches away from Woody! On the other side of the ring,  "The Vas Flam Avenger" is sucking a near killing blow from Wheezl's waraxe, making about 6 squares in a desperate sprint south, and being the first of Wheez's 3 to drop. What the? Darius BOLTS away from me and his remaining friends when his twin brother and tuff mage buddy die almost simultaneously.

He makes it about as far as the other end of the Northwest Vesper Bridge. Screaming guards the entire time, I keep his goofy ass para'ed. I love the mentality of the "GUARDS!!" spamming people. I have been fighting them for a good 3 minutes now, and they have called guards approximately 80 gazillion ((423+32) * Seros_and_Avagadro's Number) times, and guess what motherfucker? NO GUARDS! And they wont be coming the next 4234238 times you call them, either.

(Sidenote from An_Old_Fart) Back on Catskills, people would ask why the guards never came when I killed them, and I'd say because I bribed them. Several people were soon seen handing large stacks of gold to guards. "Thou art giving me gold? I thank thee." One guy even attacked someone immediately after, to see if the guards would respond.

He's para'ed, spinning, shitting his mismatched armor, and screaming for guards. What's the next spell? In Sanct Grav, baby!!! That's right : energy field. A wall of energy that people can't walk through. "Why, massa Spleen"?

Here's why, kiddies : Wheezl and I have total combat communication the entire time.

<Wheezl> Shit! Mark broke off and got away, can you block the bridge?
<Spleen> no prob ... done

Right then, Wheezl is thinking to himself  "done ? hmm, maybe a stonewall or two, or some "Packer D" (term we use for physically blocking someone by standing in their way repeatedly, and bouncelagging them) Mark the Spicey, fleeing for his life across the bridge, only a screen or two from the bank and it's never-ending fountain of gayheals RUNS SMACK INTO MY ENERGY FIELD!!! Trapped in the fucking cage with Wheezl, HE DIDN'T MOVE, OR FIGHT, OR EVEN ATTEMPT ESCAPE OR TRY TO SPEAK! HE JUST FUCKING STOOD THERE AND DIED!!!

Look at it from his perspective. He's running from an angry Wheezl, who is obviously cheating, and runs into this mysterious blue wall of energy that he has never seen before, blocking him from the bank and safety. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF CHEATING IS THIS? HOW DID WHEEZL PUT THAT FUCKING THING THERE??? His fucking brain probably exploded. Think of how angry you would be if someone pulled that on you, causing you to die. Only from Spleen and Wheezl can you get that kind of total ownage, ladies and gents.

TOTAL COMBAT COMMUNICATION!

While wacking Darius, my para timed out, so when he made a break for it, he really got away. He heads south like a rat out of an aqueduct, and actually SHAKES ME near the jewelry store, when he gets around a corner and busts a hide (or so I thought). Right then, Wheez tells me some jackass named Drake had showed up, and started Corp Por'ing him. Wheezl overloaded with loot, close to no mana, no reflect item, and an angry Drake trying to Corp Por the shit out of him. What can save Wheezl ???  2 Things.  First and foremost : Drakes magery.  We place it at about 56, because he failed Corp Pors long enough for me to run all the way back up there from where I was, past the jewelry shop. Thats enough time for about THIRTY Corp Por attempts, and when I got there, Wheezl was nearly full health, and laughing at Drake. The SECOND I get on that screen, Drake Kal Ort Por's, knowing with perfect clarity what will happen to his precious ass if he stays any longer. Wheezl hands me a sack of loot, and says one got away. One of mine did too! We split up, and try to chase down our lost newbies.

I am really not sure where Darius ran off to, I lost him at the jewelry store. I run back there, and think "if I was a nearly dead newbie, being chased by a predator I can't even understand, what would I do?". Well, I have to say, I got REALLY lucky, because I run all the way down to the island with the tinkers/carpenters on it, and what do I see? 'Darius (frozen)', inside healing himself, and still grey to me! He shits his mismatched newbie plate again, and blazes out of the store before I even get to the door. Unfortunately for Darius, I had a paralyze already cast, and smacked it on him right outside. I wasn't gonna let that pussy take a STEP! With prepped para's I wack him so hard his worthless UO HINT BOOK! flies out of his ass. With Darius on the mat and all my loose ends tied up, , I head back up to where Wheezl is.

X

After rolling Darius (corpse #1), on my way up I see a Breth corpse (corpse #2) (the badass archer!) with some bolts lying around. I know my man Wheez has tied up his loose ends too. It's time to make damn sure we have every piece of shit pear, piece of meat, empty bottle, and multicolored bandage that these newbies had, so they get NO items back.

X

On the bridge, about one square from where I put down that Energy Field, I see a dead and looted Mark the Spicey (corpse #3). Right past the bridge where I left them, are the two tuffies Woody and Bunyon (corpses #4 and #5). Only missing one. Who? lecutus! lying on his ass down by Wheez! (corpse #6!!!)

That's right folks, ALL SIX MISCREANTS CHASED DOWN AND AXED!!! In order of rolling : Woody, Bunyon, lecutus, Mark the Spicey, Breth, and Darius. Check out this r33t pic I like to call "3 newbies, 3 corpses, 0 loot".  all three of those whiney motherfuckers sitting there wondering where their shit went. lecutus even demanded that Wheezl give his stuff back. I'm not shy when it comes to telling them where it's going, either "check the provisioners for your stuff, kids". hahaha

A moment of sober reflection for Big Man Bunyon and Woody. I didn't cap all of the convo, so here it is in IRC format, a finaly flurry of comedy from our man Woody! Big Man Bunyon even gets the joke.

<Woody> we should have known.
<Bunyon> Damn you are good
<Woody> Me?
<Spleen> Yes, you, Woody.
<Woody> Thanks...
<Bunyon> LOL