Up Close and Personal : A Moment with Tiger Fai

by Spleen

BE FUCKING WARNED : There are about 150 pics on this page, its like 3 megs of shit. You modem guys will have to keep hitting F5 and refreshing if you ever plan on reading this entire thing. Luckily, I will never read it again when I am done writing it so I don't give a damn.

Our hero from The Great Ore Steal returns! Everyone loves Tiger Fai, it's just a fact of life. So many questions! What is fofofo? Where the hell are you from? Are you friends with Torgo? I knew there were three things I had to do, 1) Buddy up to him 2) Get an interview, and 3) Steal more of his precious ore. I finally had my chance the other night.

I was doing some by-the-book mines terrorizing with my thief char when THE MAN himself strolls into the cave. New outfit! You know he thinks he is looking BAD ASS with that orchelm on. Pink shirt and an apron, its time to mine! Also notice his adorable little lantern he carries with him, that SO much adds to his BAD ASS newbie appearance.

Part 1 : Introducing myself to the badass.

I walk up and say hi, hoping he doesn't just break into a sprint before I can get any info from him. He replies with a simple "HI", showing his domination of the all caps dumasses category.

X

I figure I will strike up a conversation with him, just get him talking. "What are you up to?"  "HAH?" That is his own little special way of saying HUH, I'm pretty sure. Say it out loud real harsh, and you have his tone down. Apparently he had no idea what I just said, how can we bridge this language barrier?

X

By speaking his language! Saying "WHAT R U DOING?" Gets an immediate answer. He's mining, of course. Hopefully that will break the ice...

I had two shovels in my pack that I had stolen from retarded miners (one was from him, too!). I give them to him, to be friendly. The ice is broken, it is time for a friendly chat with the immortal Tiger Fai!

XX

... or maybe not! He recognizes my giving of the shovels as a friendly act, and just when I think we are buddies, he burns me. I just want to be friends!!!

X

Oh, I guess thats just him bring friendly! Tiger Fai, always a joker!

X

I crack a little joke of my own, since earlier I was stealing the ore straight out of his packpack, much to his dismay. Laughing at the joke, I emit a hearty fofofofofofofoofofofoo, which brings me to ...

Part 2 : On the subject of fofofo.

He doesn't think it's funny!

XX

He gumbles out an AHHH, which I guess is just a growl, or maybe he was clearing his throat. NO MORE! NO MORE WHAT!? He better not be talking about my fofofo!

X

Here I could have gotten complicated. Was he saying MY fofofo in particular sucked, that one I just did, or any will suck as long as I do it? He could have meant that any fofofo sucks, because it just isn't hip anymore. The less complicated explanation is always the right one, when dealing with semi-literate monkeys, and that rings true here again.

X

"FOFOFO RULES!"  "YEAH?"  YES MOTHERFUCKER! What kinda bullshit is this? Tiger Fai himself renouncing fofofos? He has no idea how many hearts this would break. Wheezl, Justarius and I would probably get drunk and cry about it, but Jachyra and Ithaqua would probably take their own lives in front of a crowd at a Luby's.

XX

I HAVE to know!!! Where does it come from? Is it supposed to be a giant laugh? or a regional thing? WHAT IS FOFOFO?!?! I brace myself for an amazing and retarded answer, and unfortunately, there isn't an amazing and retarded answer. He DID, however, offer me just a retarded answer. NOTHING, I DONT KNOW.

X

FOFOFO is nothing? Where the hell did it come from? YOU JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE COOL? "AHH" "MAYBE" Here is his AHHHH growl thing again. He seems to do that when he is annoyed, or doesn't know what we are talking about. I should have just told him right then and there to bring back the fofofo!!

Part 3 : The 'L' in A/S/L???

XX

I got to thinking, is this motherfucker a jap with passable english? or a braindead american? or some dirty european? or what? He sometimes sounds like a DYRTY TURKYE BYRD, but that would be too good to be true. Japan I definitely believe, lived in New York before he moved to Japan I would never even think about believeing!! He maybe visited New York or something. He DOES have passable english, maybe he is an old fucker, and lived in the oriental part of town or something? Probably some old bastard with a white beard, fu-man-chu style.

X

This proves he is a wise old guy that writes fortune cookies for a living. Keep in mind this took place a week or more before some of us gave up on #japan and made #brasil. I snuck the # symbol in before the word Japan, just to be a jackass. I honestly thought he would say YES!, and we would have an endorsement from TIGER FAI! How exciting! For some reason, he said NO, and I was a little bummed out. But, a week or two later, it's perfectly clear that Tiger Fai was right all along! He is indeed a prophet.

X

So, I want to know why he doesn't like japan. I'm pretty sure he's the first person to say they did not approve of their homeland, so I was guaranteed a good answer. PEOPLE ARE..... SHIT!

XX

We've all seen the videos, maybe it's a common thing in Japan, and Tiger Fai, originally from New York, just can't get used to it! Those wacky japs! always eating their own shit. I wish I had asked him where the guy in ep-sample.avi gets his hair done.

X

Like he would give a shit if he was from New York...

Part 4 : Enter Mandatorian

In IRC, I mention that I was having a little chit-chat with our beloved Tiger Fai. Mandalorian wants me to solicit sex from Tiger Fai on his behalf. OK!

I don't think he cares if a stranger wants to have sex with him, he just wants to know who it is.

N-SYNC? I LOVE THEM! I THERE BIG FAN!! TIGER FAI LOVE N-SYNC MUCH!! MANDATORIAN IS CUTE ONE WITH BLEACH HAIR? YES?

I'm just telling Tiger Fai about Mand so we could laugh about it later, but Mand suddenly grows a pair and shows up at the cave!!! 1:1 Tiger Fai DATE!! He gets to meet the MAN! Mand has lusted for Tiger Fai ever since he first saw him in The Great Ore Steal. Lets hope he can keep his composure.

X

It all falls apart as Mand rushes in excited as hell, and spits out a "HAT" and "iHELLO". Luckily. Tiger Fai approves, and returns with a "HI"

Mand notices that 90% of Tiger Fai's l33tn3ss is coming from that lamp, and he asks to hold it for awhile, so that he might be l33t. Neither one of us knew what the lamp was all about, he must just be a dumbass, or a sucker for accessories. Will he give Mand his lamp?

XX

SHIT NO! But he will give us something much more precious, our first authentic fofofo of the evening! We go wild, screaming and thrashing around him like groupies on speed. Caught up in the moment, I scream "I LOVE YOU!!!" at him, and, always the sassy one, Tiger Fai answers "ME TOO"!

Part 5 : Love is in the air!

X

I remind Tiger Fai that Mandalorian wanted to shag him silly. I say that "HE WANTS TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU" and at the same time, Tiger Fai says "WHAT!" and mand says "I DO!!!!!!!!!!!" The hormones in the cave are raging tonight, Mandalorian wants to shag pretty much everyone, and Tiger Fai is feeling a little bi/curious at the moment. The stage is set for sex0r!

X

Mandalorian just flat-out asks for love. "CAN I MAKE LOVE TO YOU TIGER FAI?!" is met with another guttural "AHHHHH" ... "I WANT TO NIBBLE ON YOUR EAR LOBE PLZ!" Has he crossed the line?

XX

Nope, Tiger Fai has no idea what Mandalorian is talking about. "SPEAK ENGLISH PLEASE" he says, probably wondering what the hell this guy is babbling about. I tell him "HE SPEAKS THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE!"...  "OH OK!" HE'S OK WITH THAT! Put yourself in his shoes : Some guy is babbling excitedly in a language you don't understand, and you ask someone what he's saying, and they tell you "HE SPEAKS THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE!" It's time to run and/or call the authorities! But not Tiger Fai, he is a hardened badass with a soft heart. "OH OK!"

X

Suddenly the sun abruptly dissapears, and another realistic nighttime falls over Britannia (THX OSI!) Then it becomes REAL clear why he carries a lantern : at night he is lit up like the walking, talking GOD he is! With the lights in the cave dimmed, Mand makes his move. "PLZ RELEASE LOVE" and flat out asks for Tiger Fai's hand in marriage! A very crucial, life altering decision, Tiger Fai has to think hard, and weigh all the options... What does he come up with, in response to Mandalorians marriage proposal?

X

TORGO?!

HE THINKS OF TORGO? "TORGO, I KNOW U ARE IN THERE!!"

Part 6 : Tiger Fai and Torgo : Partnership for Progress!

XX

What is your deal with Torgo, Mr.Fai, I thought you guys were friends?

X

I meant "I see you two mining together, I think you are friends!" hoping he would get angry, but instead he goes "OK", like I had just asked permission for Torgo to mine with him. Woulda been pretty funny to log Torgo on and mine with him, then start walking it all to the smiths like it is all mine.

Part 7 : fofofoforever

X

PLEASE GOD Don't stop the fofofo, we all need it.

X

Howabout we all bust out a little fofofo for old times sake, huh Tiger Fai? "NOW?" Hell yes, now!!

XX

FOFOFO TIME!! YES!! PLEASE RELEASE FOFOFO!

X

And fofofo we do! We both wait for his signal (which takes awhile, he carefully typed out a good, solid, fofofo, as only he can do) then break out with our own fofofo's! For some reason, ours just pale in comparison, and on his second fofofo, he blows our shit right out of the water with a LONG fofofo, with several fffffff pauses in it. Amazing.

XXX

Oh yes, we are quite SATICEFIED>, we bow to the master. He approves.

Part 8 : Wahts ur minig?

X

One can never have enough ENERMYs. I think its wierd that he knows we have a ton of enemies. I havent done much more to him than steal some ore (as Torgo, I might add) yet he knows that Spleen and Mandalorian from the j00 stone have tons of enemies. Interesting, it looks like Tiger Fai knows the word on the street.

X

TORGO, I KNOW YOU ARE THERE!!!

XX

91 mining, and 60 smithing. I know I missed the pic for that, and I will forever feel guilty, but he had only 60 smithing, which is pretty funny considering all the mining he has done. Basically he has mined a shitload of ore, but his smithing sucks ass because he never gets to smith them into ingots!! I ask him more on this subject later.

X

He anwers a "Will you..?" question with "OFCORSE I DO". Rock!

Part 9 : Mandalorian has w00d.

X

I bring up the touchy subject of Marriage again. HE IS MAN!

XXX

"NO HE IS NOT" I figured I could maybe convince him Mandalorian was a woman in real life, he certainly acts the part! Then he says "GAY... HATE GAY" hahah Mand can't figure out why even Tiger Fai knows he is gay!

X

Mand polymorphs into a woman, but it doesn't fool Tiger Fai, Mand even mentions he will use a turkey baster, which brings up many many uncomfortable images from epsample.avi.

X

Tiger Fai doesn't notice that Mand is a woman, but he sees that he no longer has hair. "SKIN HEAD" he remarks, and Mand gets downright nasty. No more interview for you, Mand! I ask Tiger Fai where he gets his p1mp threads...

Part 10 : Tiger Fai will do anything for a buck

His friend has no idea how badass that outfit is that he made. When I FIRST saw Tiger Fai, he had this outfit on, and I rolled him. For like a week he wore nothing but an orc helm and a healer robe afterwards, and apparently his friend made him the IDENTICAL outfit again, which kicks ass.

I appeal to the only sense Tiger Fai has, greed for UO gold. Why else would he mine mindlessly for weeks.

XX

I actually had to give him step by step instructions, and it took 10 minutes for him to actually type something, but I skipped all those pics for your convenience, and now we have ...

KICK ASS! I would love to run into him today to see if he got it out of there... I doubt he could find it again...

X

I ask if he wants his 1000 gold, and he asks "WHAT WILL HAPPEN?" Well, you will get 1000 gold, I don't know what I am supposed to explain about it, he asked this after I handed him the gold, too.

Part 11 : Wedding Berrs!

X

I'm dying to know if we can resolve this somehow. If Mand isn't his wife, maybe he is the husband? "IM WIFE?" He instantly knows what that would mean, if mand was his husband!

X

"IF YOU WANT TO BE" hahaha But no dice, he won't marry mand for love or money. Well he probably would for 5,000. As I have learned, Tiger Fai will do anything for a price.

X

Mandalorian confuses poor Tiger Fai with his declarations of love.

XXX

haha, he confirms mand is not his lover.

X

Mand tries to buy Tiger Fais emotions, but he doesn't understand. "HAH?" Once again, he says hah instead of huh.

XX

NO MEANS NO!

X

NO STILL MEANS NO! Interesting that he doesn't care if Mand walks around with this in his char info, he just wants Mand to know he isn't OK with a homosexual relationship.

X

He doesn't even want to be the man! Who would turn down that offer? Oh, everyone would... "I JUST TALD U"

Mand breaks out some Gold art, and I couldn't believe Tiger Fai wasn't snatching up the gold. Then again, if you were to set a bunch of gold out, no real japanese person would touch it without permission, but the first american to enter the cave would snatch it all up instantly.

X

We start kissing his ass so he doesn't leave, he is probably a little upset that Mand almost made him his wife.

Part 12 : What about smithing?

Mand breaks out some happyeyes with his gold stacks, and I ask a question I have been wanting to know for a long time now... Did all of Torgos ore stealing cause your high mining/low smithing situation?

XXX

YES IT DID!!! "U KNOW HOW MANY HE STOLE? MORE THAN 1000!" More than 1000 is right, I have gotten a shitload more than that.

While talking to Tiger Fai about his stolen ore situation, I spot a packhorse mining in that little unguarded spot above me, and order Mand to go packwack it before it leaves guards. He instantly complies.

Seconds later the pack is down, and the owner is probably holding down his "gurads!" macro while Mand skins the hides off. Tiger Fai did not enjoy the show at all. He hopes to own a packhorse someday. If you caught Tiger Fai mining with a pack a million miles from guards, would you wack it? hmmm

Part 13 : Farewell, Tiger Fai ...

X

DAMN, unfortunately Tiger Fai has to leave, and that cuts short any hopes of me showing up as Torgo and yanking more ore...

X

"OFCORESE" How many ways have we seen him botch that spelling today alone?

X

We all break out some mid-length fofofo's, then Tiger Fai follows up with a hearty farewell fofofo. Stunning. He ends on an 'f', too.

X

Getting the last few drops of fofofo out of my system, he says his goodbye...

... and walks out of my life forever...  This was 4-5 months ago, maybe more, and I haven't seen him since... T.T