The 'Kal Vas Flam' heard 'round the World

The 'Kal Vas Flam' heard 'round the World

by Spleen

Oh man, TVM, how I love them. The Vesper Mafia. TVM, if you will recall, is like three pussy guilds combined. They all change names so much I never keep track of it, I just call them all TVM. It's always the same 15 or so dumbasses changing between three stones, changing the guildname constantly. They will always be TVM in my heart...

So, everything starts out pretty normal. I was grey in Vesper and killed a couple of them, The rest stand there and talk about how much they 'kicked my ass' while the first four res. Upon their return, the other four attack and die. This is during Wheezls "Jerky Days", So he was playing as Jerky, and his character sucked bigtime. Once or twice he would throw a qstaff into a big gangbang, but for the most part he was there for my PR and looting. These dumbasses treasure their loot, and since they are ressing and re-equipping so fast, fighting these fools is like a solid two hour fight. There were a total of eight that night, because I kept fighting two groups of four. I forget the final total, but I think Wheez and I determined from my journal that over the course of about three hours I got every one of them at least 3 times. (Falout went on to much higher numbers)

So here we are about an hour or two into the constant fighting. I don't remember which of them is dead right there on the right, but he attackd a little early, and their planned 4 vs 1 got cut down to a 3 vs 1. Suffice it to say I had at LEAST 10-15 kills at this point. They are here to tell me that despite my many successful kills and loots, they whooped my ass. I am grey, out of guards, praying to God one or all of them gets the stones to make an attack. That is Spelmaster (yes, he is missing an L) with the green text on the right, and Falout (yes, he is also missing an L) below me. Spelmaster is an old friend, he was involved in the big house scam only a few days before, and his older char was named "Spelmastre" which I made fun of endlessly. I think he was english or something. Behind that tree with the blue target box on him is none other than Lazerus Van Sith who I am sure you all know by now. I had him last targetted, because if anyone was going to start this fight, it would be him. With a little goading, (and asking his friends to make sure they will also attack) he finally gets brave and starts the fight. We all know the outcome, it has happened about fifty times with these guys. I DO remember getting a silver force katana in one of these bodies, which I thought was grand, silver katanas went for stupid amounts of money on my vendor back then. Thanks, Falout!

You can see Lazerus and Spelmaster there, next to naked, all they have his robes, boots, and shirts and shit. The funny thing is, they rush back to their corpses, and immediately throw on whatever clothes they can salvage from their corpse. It is as if they want to say "I SWEAR I DIDN'T DIE!". Turbid here is the GM of one of their three stones, meaning he is about as much of a "leader" as this group can have. He watches me kill a few of his boys, decides he is going to right the wrong, and takes a tasty dirtnap himself only inches from the town he was so desperately trying to reach.

Yet another dead Falout from the last 4 banger, he is hidden by his corpse, you can see he dumped his d-robe and got what little clothes he could. I eventually started looting every item these faggots had, because they constantly came back and got their stuff, even if it was apples and empty bottles and shit.

So, after dying in 4 on 1's to me about three times, Falout decides he want's a shot at me one on one. I couldn't FUCKING BELIEVE his logic for this, but I didn't attempt to change his mind. I mean, think about it. He croaks SEVERAL times with SEVERAL friends helping him fight ONE guy. He thinks he has a good chance at beating that dude one on one? JESUS CHRIST, my plastic silverware is smarter than that. "do not run" he tells me. I was thinking at the time he didn't want me to run from the fight, but in retrospect I realized he didn't want me to take a single step. That axe he was holding was a +25 power battle axe. Ok Falout, the fight is on...

Spleen: Kal Vas Flam

You have gained a little fame.
You see: a corpse of Falout
Spleen: Corp Por
Target Cancelled.
Spleen: HAHAHA

HOLY SHIT!!! One fucking spell, and he drops. He DID have full health, too. You will notice he died in the exact same square he was standing in when the countdown ended (which we let Spelmaster do). I could not fucking believe it. There as witnesses were Wheezl in the green shirt and staff (someones outfit), Scotty Gael in the red shirt, and Spelmaster in the blue robe.

Scotty Gael was kinda cool. For awhile he was in this gay townfighting guild that we warred with alot. Since our guild consisted of only Wheez and I, the best odds we could ever hope for with those guys were about 4 or 5 against us two, but usually it was just one of us. We almost always got a kill or two then escaped, just to rub it in their noses, so they hated us with a passion. I'm sure you all know the types, a bunch of 100 str/dex fags with horses and poisoned weaps that won't even visit the bank without 4 friends. It was a really queer deal. After that guild fell apart, Scotty admitted how amazing Wheezl and I used to fight, and hung out with us on occasion. This was one of the first times he ever got to watch us work, and he fucking loved it.

So, Falout dies in one amazing spell, and we are all choking with laughter. Even Spelmaster admits he sucks, but he keeps coming back, and best of all, he keeps coughing up great magic weapons. I rarely used magic weapons, actually I don't think I ever did, but I sure loved looting them, because those pussies treasured their magic weaps like nobodys business. In the last pic, you can see Wheez say "you fuckers arent worth the trip" which sure pissed Spelmaster off. After watching his buddy go up in a blaze of comedy, he takes the offensive on Wheez.

Oh my god, it still hurts just seeing this. He actually had the balls to SAY THAT! Once again, I just do not fucking understand it. He is basically saying "If I didn't suck so bad that I fail every spell I attempt, you guys would be toast". That blows my fucking mind. You can tell in the second pic I quickly threw on my new 'Falout Suit', complete with his nice magic axe. Spelmaster starts foaming at the mouth, and demands a fight against me, magic only. See, the last few times he died it was to some hally hits because he would always run into town where thats all I could use against him.

It goes real well, I stood there for a sec and let him dump on me. He got 3 Corp Pors off with about 10 tries, all three combined did about 15 points of damage to me. Content his spirit was broken in a magic vs magic fight, I went ahead and downed him with three of my own Corp Pors. He hits the mat only inches from his buddy Falout.

While Spelmaster is running off to get ressed again, Falout shows up armed to the teeth. He has a magic hally and some armor and a nice blue cape. (what was he thinking? 'I'll throw this CAPE on, so I look bad!) WATCH THE FUCK OUT!! Then he tells me ''u r good when u got back up". Oh Jesus... here come the tears again. Wheezl is in the other room having a coughing fit that sounds like he has blacklung, and I barely manage to type a response...

1) He had backup too, Spelmaster 2) My backup consisted of Wheezl who could barely fight, and Scotty who was an arch enemy for a long time, who I assumed at the time would start shooting at me if I ever got low enough. 3) He died in one fucking shot, what does backup matter? Of course, none of that makes any sense to Falout, who I am convinced, now more than ever, is actually an iguana lying on a keyboard in some central american nation.

"lets see u try that without magic". I agree to a no magic duel once I ID'ed his halberd and decided he would hate to lose it. It was a good force one. I agreed to the no magic duel, let Scotty do the countdown, and killed him with two Corp Pors.

Here we are back in town, Wheez is wearing the Lazerus Vas Sith / Turbid fashions, while I am sporting a modified Falout suit, since it consists of about 3 of his outfits. Scotty in the corner there is wearing this springs "Spelmastre" look. Needless to say, TVM was very unhappy with us at this point. Take a good look at that nice looking japanese outfit in the top right, too. Skirt, red shirt, green cape, and deerhat. nice.

A few more good jap outfits here, the green/white one at the top, and the pink/blue one in the middle. Here is yet another dead Falout, who got real brave and attacked right out of guards, then ran back in to the bank thinking he was gonna get some heals. Spelmaster didn't have any regs on him, and couldn't get them out of his bank fast enough. He decided he has had enough misery, its time for the fight to end all fights.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

We went WAY the fuck out, until he was happy no one was following us. We really were both alone, far from anyone and everyone. He had a power longsword this time, and there was no way he was going to lose. He was tired of all the "crooked duels" we had done up to this point (you know, with all my friends jumping in) and decided this would be the fair one. So, to make it fair, he said I couldn't run offscreen, and couldn't use magic on him during the fight. You know, that makes it real fair. A naked mage that can't move or cast against an armored, shielded, warrior fag with a power longsword. How much more fair can you get? I figure I will humor him, and I actually play by the rules. I throw on a katana and stay on screen and it gets pretty close, I heal myself as his bandage finishes, and we are back to full health. "CHEATER!!!" he screams, "U USED MAGIC!!!" holy baby jesus, I wasn't even allowed to HEAL MYSELF. I mention that I have no bandages and can't use them even if I did, and he says "too bad". I agreed not to use magic on him, so (while running around and dodging his gay blade) I tell him that I am sticking to what I agreed to, that I can't use magic on him, but I will on myself. He says something like "u will die anyway" and the fight is on. I put on reactive armor and put my hally on, timing it just right. <CRACK - CRACK> The dipshit almost dies from a carefully planned doublehit, and bolts for town and safety. Since we are miles out, it becomes a contest of who can run the best in the thick forest terrain. Well, unfortunately for Falout, I have 100.0 Junglerunning, because I grew up on Bastard Island where the jungle is thicker than shit. I deftly dodge the foliage, throw my katana on, and chase his ass down. The fight consists of him bandaging as fast as he can, and me chasing after him like a moonshine-crazed hick. He finally dies on the bridge to town because one of his buddies is standing there waiting for him. He runs into that dude, and it is all over. Of course, after the res he is telling all his friends about how I cheated in the fight, and how there were 'fair rules'. Hah. I DID stick to the rules, and he DID still die. I wonder what it is like to be as retarded as Falout, life must be hard.

Several hours and approx 30 kills later Wheez, Scotty and I are hanging around the bank, cracking some jokes. Wheez mentions that those guys were like winning the lottery, they died so easily, so often, and with such nice newbie loot.

hahah, the mental imagery here still cracks me up, "buzzers and horns and flashing lights, newbie loot coming out of the slots, helmets and fish and bandages pouring out of the trays".. haha

I had explained to the retards earlier that if they all just wanted to cough up all their regs and weapons, they could have just handed it all over via trade window, and saved alot of pride and time. It wasn't until later that I realized, Falout dying in one spell actually WAS a faster way to get the loot to me... Maybe he isn't so stupid after all?

You decide.