Welcome to Spleen and Wheezl realtors, wouldst thou like a new home?

by Spleen

This whole thing took place during "the Jerky days" where Wheez was trying to make a comeback using a friend of ours's account, but the GMs kept owning him regardless. It is about a two week stretch, and I have 2 maybe 3 stories from this period where he is "Jerky", so when I say something took place during the jerky days, don't be alarmed that Wheez isn't on his normal char, which is named 'whhz'. We needed big cash for his new char, and they had just fixed ingot scams... what are we to do? house scams!

These fags are old pals of yours. I am in the grey armor on Torgo, Wheez is in the black robe, while the naked man is none other than lecutcus, and the purble gimp is Mark the Spicey! Both are already famous from j00 vs. the Guardians of Vesper. The house we are in is just some random house someone placed near Minoc, I saw it for sale on eBay, and the sign said 'for sale icq 12345123', so I knew noone would be hanging around in it. It was left unlocked, and it is in a prime place for vendors, which is a VERY important factor for houseshopping pussies. The story was, I owned the house, but I was letting Jerky (whhz) sell it because he needed the money. They knew and hated our real chars, so the entire thing had to be done with gimp chars.

"Did I mention are other characters are badasses?" They want us to know.

This whole gig was VERY complicated. Let me explain. This "guild" is kinda split into three parts, I don't know what they call themselves as a whole, but they are all TVM (The Vesper Mafia) to me. The TVM GM is a guy named Snap. One of their other stones is called BMW (Britannian Mages and Warriors) and Lazerus van Sith (I know, fucking stupid) is the GM of that one. While they are basically the same guild, they act independantly alot, and when Wheez went to Vesper bank spamming that he had a house for sale, both guilds came up and started screaming that they wanted to buy it. A sort of bidding war ensued, and we decided we could just sell them his real house too! While he talked it up with both parties, I ran to his house and cleaned it up a bit, locked everything tight, changed the house sign, and got it ready for visitors. He took one group there to his island house, and I escorted the other to the Minoc house. NONE of them could gate and I was on my smith, so we had to walk from Vesper to Minoc. The funny thing is, the entire walk over there every one of them talked about how their other chars could gate. Uh huh, these are the pussies that are always PARKED at Vepser bank, heheheing and acting tough.

Things got even MORE complicated here, because Wheez had several guys over inspecting his REAL house, while I was entertaining a group of fags at a house that isn't even ours.. At about the same time,  Wheezs group asked him for his ICQ, which he didn't have, and my group was saying they would ICQ me later with the ICQ number on the house sign, which is the REAL sellers. Wheez told his group "hold on, it isn't working", and I told my group it was Wheezs ICQ on the sign, but he couldn't get it working. This was the first of many signs that they were all in communication somehow, so our lies better coincide. I immediately made a fake ICQ account and Wheez and I gave them all this new ICQ. Hmmmm how many things are fishy at this point? We haven't proved ownership at all, the ICQ number on the sign isn't ours, I mean "working", and yet these dumbasses are all about buying a house from us.

Wheez down there turns into a fucking used car salesman, it was hilarious. This is during his little visit where he came to take part in my magic show. They are busting our balls like this house isn't that important to them because they already own other houses, but if they DID have other houses, Wheez and I would have looted them or known exactly where they were by now.

Both parties asked at the same time to prove ownership of the houses. You could tell they were all in an ICQ chat or something, coordinating this dual house purchase, so we had to make damn sure our stories jived. Wheez could prove ownership of his real house easy enough, but how would we do it for the fake house? I told wheez to come over to this house, he told his guys some bullshit like he had to get something, and ran to assist me. I had been stalling for awhile, and these guys were pretty suspicious as to whether or not I actually owned the house. Wheez showed up and I began my magic show.

I said "watch, I will eject someone from the house, will that prove it to you?" of COURSE they said yes, they aren't stupid!! (and BOY did they want us to know that) I explained my plan and told Wheez to close UO, and log back in to the char select screen, which he did with the quickness. I typed "remove thyself!" and at the same time yelled "GO!". Wheez, since he isn't friended to this house, logs back in on the steps. What they see is, me saying "remove thyself" and Wheez teleporting outside as if banned! YOW! MAGIC!!! Everyone exchanges "hehehe"s and ownership is proven! Wheez darts back to his place to close his deal, and the fags here finally agree to buy! Prices for both houses were set at 75k, and they all assured us they were very wealthy and had the money, numerous times. Lecutus was even saying he makes 40k an hour killing liches! Wow! Maybe the people in #lies would be interested in that, Lecutus. It may be possible, but certainly not by that retard.

Then my group starts saying they didn't quite have ALL the money yet, but they could give us 60ish k, and the rest tomorrow. Sure dumbasses... I said something about how I am going out of town for a week, and we can make the house exchange then. Of course those greedy little newbies started backpedaling, they said they would have the full amount in one hour... I said OK, and went to help Wheez with his group. 30 or so minutes later, I ran by the Covetous lich room, and sure enough all my fags are lined up there killing liches trying to make 15k in an hour.

I'm hidden down there in the corner on my thief, I went to go scope out Wheez's group to see if he needed any of my magic tricks or something. In the blue robe/green cape is a good friend of ours Spelmastre who we have shared a few adventures with, I even dueled him a few times when he got pissed enough at me. (You will eventually see this in a later update) In the retarded blue outfit with the tribal mask is Snap, a dumb motherfucker heading up one of the groups. On horseback in green and deerhat is Lazerus van Sith, who is probably one of the biggest losers on Hokuto as far as I can tell.*(read bottom for a Lazerus footnote) He is still working the sale, and since there was like 10 in his group, they actually could come up with the money. Now we faced our final problem. As soon as one group knows they are scammed, the other group will back out. We had to time the coup de grace with maximum precision. I hung around Vesper bank waiting for one of my guys to drop off gold, and sure enough Mark the Spicey shows up in his dress, and I tell them whatever they have now is fine, lets make the trade and they can pay the rest tomorrow! "I trust you guys not to scam me or anything, hehe" This made them very happy.

My group borrowed some money from someone in Wheezs group, and they had 70k even. Wheezs group had the full 75k. Right about then Wheezs group leader (Lazerus or Snap) decides that they will only pay the full 75k for the Minoc house, the one that is a kickass vendor spot. An argument broke out about which group would actually get it, and then neither group wanted the island house! We quickly decided to just sell them the same house, so we split our groups up. We approach the bank, and the designated money givers assemble their stacks of gold. We stayed apart, I kept my group on the north side of the bank, Wheez kept his on the bottom. Wheez tells his guys "OK, since you have the full 75k, you can have the vendor house", and I told my group "since you guys agreed to pay first, you can have the vendor house." Both groups were delighted that they would be getting the cooler of the two houses.

With some bullshitting, since his group was a little reluctant to pay all the cash up front, we got our timing perfectly in sync. Both groups put the full amount up on the trade window at the same time. (For you old timers, gold has no weight in trade windows, and you can put 75k up and if I accept it doesnt fall on the ground) I yell to wheez when the full amount is on my trade window and they checked. I BS a little as Wheez gets his guys to hand over the loot. From the other room Wheez yells "GO!" and I accept my trade. 145k of gold hits our packs at the same instant. We just sold about 15 people the same fucking house that wasn't even ours!!! One second later both groups are staring at our Kal Ort Pors.

X

I walked another char up to the bank (this one named Spleen) and listened in. They all fucking hate me, and I was kinda hoping they would at least wonder why I was there listening, but they did not. That was probably one of the most complicated house scams ever, and ONLY team j00 could have pulled that off. It took our voice communication, fake chars, and the lying skill we have both GMed to make it a success. That money went towards Wheezs new char, which was being built more or less to kill all those retards. They funded their own demise.

(Lazerus van Sith Footnote)

This dude is such a chump. I am not one to point fingers and call people in UO losers, after all I have probably spent more time in that game than anyone on the whole damn Hokuto server. But this Lazerus guy, he is trying to take my record. FOR MONTHS, every fucking time I went to vesper bank he was there. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. This dude just lives there. I would SOMETIMES see him out and about, and I recall one beautiful evening where he and I had an unforgettable run-in. Black Nip ( a real life friend playing from my house)  was in the harpy room collecting feathers for his new archer char, and he says there is some fag walking around killing harpys with a Deamon. WHO COULD BE THAT HOMOSEXUAL? You guessed it, I went and looked at Nips screen, and sure enough there is Lazerus van Faggot summoning a new daemon to kill harpies with. Like the fast paced equip scene from a movie like Commando, I hit my war room and grab my dirty tools of the trade. I arrive on the scene with Spleen2 (my mage), make fun of him for awhile, then after he is irate enough, I show up grey. He says "all kill" and as soon as he does (before he targetted, unfortunately) his daemon dissapears. He craps his pants and recalls, thinking "NO DAEMON NO FIGHT, SPLEEN!!!"  I kick back there with nip for awhile, killing the other 2 people there in the room by poly'ing into a Lizardman and saying "Sythsssssys" and shit (GOD I love doing that) Right as I am killing the last victim (I am still grey) Lazerus van Dirtnap shows up with two daemons and a bad attitude! "all kill" and he sticks them on me and begins casting his explode. Things didn't go as planned for Mr. van Daemon because I ran back half a screen (his explode/corp por didn't target me) and I dispelled both his daemons with the quickness, before they even reached me. I run back up to him and we are standing only 3 squares apart at full health when we begin our deadly mana dumps. We simultaneously hit eachother with our spells, both of us exploding in balls of flame and getting hit by energy bolts at the same time. Let's go to the data tables for the damage breakdown!

What happens here is total comedy. Wheezl was watching my screen, and Nip was playing in the other room and watching on his screen. We were both at 100% health, and we each hit eachother with two spells. The smoke and fire clears, and we all immediately start howling with laughter. His two spells were both fully resisted and did a grand total of 8 points of damage. My two spells both did full damage and killed him, from 100% health. I couldn't breathe for a solid hour. This guy had talked SO MUCH SHIT over the months about what a badass he was, and how great his char is, and how he always kills people in duels. I killed him in two spells. I saw his ghost stand there for a minute ... then he couldn't take it and ran home to Vesper (yes, vesper bank is his home) I saw him there a little while later, and said "we each hit eachother with two spells, your spells did 8 damage, mine put you on the floor, what did you learn from that?"  ... "you cheat"

Here I am (weeks later) showing off the kickass macro I made that says [Dirt Warlock, BMW] followed by Lazerus Van Sith. I like to stand on him while he is parked at the bank and hit that macro, because it looks like he just recalled in and it appears to be a real allnames name. He hates it when I do that. He is the Shadow Warlock (with impotent magic and he rolls in two spells) and he wants everyone to know it.

y r u so meen, splen?